Bret told me the other night, "Is everything alright? It seems like you are fighting--with yourself." After he said that I just busted out laughing because he knows me all too well! I love that he knows me!
Yes, it was true. I was fighting with myself. Over my left shoulder I had a little devil telling me "I am not getting work done fast enough, I have not worked out as hard as I should have, I am disorganized, I am a mess, etc..." and over my right shoulder I had a little angel telling me, "I am loveable and kind, I am patient with myself and others, it's okay to one thing at at time, don't listen to that evil devil saying all those bad things about me."
The reality is that all of the time I am listening to those voices in my head telling me good and bad things. Sometimes I just wanna go crazy! But most times I listen to the little angelic voice telling me I can do it and do things with passion, love and kindness.
I realize that I have the POWER to change. If I can see that I am messing up, I can also pick up myself and move in the right direction. I know I have the POWER and all I have to do is use it. I need to tackle each thing one at a time.
Sometimes, though, it's hard to remember that because in many ways I am the "all or noting" type of person. I guess I've always been that way. I can remember all these situations when I've had the "all or nothing" mentality. Bret and I have had conversations about the way I am and he tells me that it doesn't all have to be black or white--there are so many shades of grey in between and I need to learn how to see and appreciate them.
I try keep the idea of seeing those shades of grey in mind as often as possible. I do things little by little, a little at a time. It takes me a little linger to get things done. I used to think there was something wrong with me because often times I would compare myself to others. Now I accept that it takes me longer to do things whether they are physical or mental-- and that is perfectly fine. I am who I am.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just a story I've been telling myself all my life or if it's real. I think it's a little bit of both. I believe this story and so I find it to be an excuse as to why I take longer. I believe that it could be the way I was raised, my background and the few opportunities I grew up with.
But then I stop and think that it's a matter of will and choice. Everything that I have done in my life has been a choice. I've set goals, tackedled them and gotten them done. Yes, even it they took me alittle bit longer to accomplish, they got done.
These past couple of days (or maybe three or four) I have been a low poitn for me. I am in the roller coaster of my life and I need to enjoy the ride. In my mind it's rainign a little bit, but I have the power to create my own weather and make the right choices. The rain (outside) will literally stop and the sun will come out. I just have to keep trying. I have to keep going even when it's shady outdoors and inside my brain. In my heart I have all the passion, desire and determination to keep going.
For the past couple of years I've worked on not being too hard on myself. I try to remember that each time I do negative self-talk. I stop, I take a deep breath and tel myself I love myself, then I start over. It's not as easy, but I try and try.
I am going to get out of this rut and I will move forward with my head up high.